Although Halloween was a little under a week ago, I still think it’s seasonally appropriate for me to write about it. I used to love Halloween when I was little, but now in my early 20s, it’s just a hassle and walking around in my costume makes me feel like an idiot.
So without further a due, I’ll discuss all of the costumes that make me want to punch people in the face.
The “I still want to look like a slut but I’m not creative” costume
I understand that you want to convey your lack of dignity for one night, but really? The 5th Element? That movie came out like ten fucking years ago. You couldn’t think of anything more recent? I don’t even like that movie. You could have just been a a general slut, like a nurse or something. Enjoy whatever the hell that is you’re drinking.
The “Wow, you put entirely too much effort and money into that and I kind of think you’re an asshole now” costume
“Hey man, cool costume.”
“I know right!”
“That’s really, really intricate. There’s gotta be like a hundred different pieces to that. How long did that take you to make?”
“Just a couple months, no big deal.”
“Holy shit, really? Hahaha. I got mine this morning. How much did that cost man?”
“Dollars? Jesus Christ.”
“It was actually a really fun process. First…”
“Yeah, I bet it was. It was nice seeing you Ben, but I have to go over there for some reason.”
“It’s Greg by the way, but I don’t think you get it, see…”
“Oh no, I get it Ben…bye.”
The “I’m so funny bro!” costume
Check out it dude! Look how fucking funny I am! I think this perfectly depicts my outgoing and hilarious personality! Like I”m a genie in a lamp, except the lamp is like my dick bro! I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY HOLY SHIT. I’m going to tell girls to rub the lamp and shit and that I’ll grant their wish and they’re totally going to love it and I’m totally going to bang them later! FUCK YEAH BRO.
The “Damnit, why does my girlfriend have to have a personality” costume
“Hey, I was just wondering, maybe we could not do to overplayed hillbilly couple thing and maybe you could wear something sexy, like the French maid thing you wore when we met. No no no, I’m not saying you’re stupid. No no, I’m just saying Ted’s girlfriend is going to be sexy police officer and you’ve got that fake umbilical cord hanging out from your crotch, you know what I’m saying? I know it’s funny idea babe. It’s totally funny that I have a mullet and that you have a black eye because spousal abuse is rampant in these types of areas, but can’t you see what I’m saying? No? Okay fine.”