That’s Gonna Leave a Mark
Every normal human being has experienced unfortunate events that have left them with varying levels of emotional trauma. Although mine aren’t as serious as some, I’m still going to complain about them.
Curtain Call
When I was 5 or 6, I was at my neighbor’s house and was enjoying a pleasant urination session. My neighbor’s older brother’s friend thought it would be funny to hide behind the shower curtain, pop out, and ultimately scare the child out of me. For the next several years, every bathroom break was an anxiety ridden nightmare. I was positive every time I went to the bathroom, there would be a figure hiding behind the curtain ready to frighten me and I was constantly preparing myself to scream and cover my weinuh. I truly believe it accelerated my growing process; I could grow a full beard by the 10th grade and had some grey hairs by 18.
Rumble in the Bronx
I was watching TV when I was little and happened upon Jackie Chan’s Rumble in the Bronx. Not only is this movie terrible, but I tuned in exactly at the part where some guy is put into a wood chipper. I had originally thought they were for chipping wood and had not considered that humans could be chipped, and this subsequently damaged my child-sized brain. I’ve maintained for years that the worst way to die would be feet first through a wood chipper…while watching Rumble in the Bronx.
Fig Newturds
I used to love Fig Newtons when I was a child. They were my favorite treat and I was permitted to eat them on a regular basis, due to their decent nutritional stats. Then my mom told me they were full of shit and I’ve haven’t had one since. Even though my mom told me she was joking, I never desired a Fig Newton after that point. I had a bite of one recently, but any kind of enjoyment I once received them is unrecognizable to me now. Thanks mom.
Did I ever tell you that I hate WordPress because the stupid pop up windows make it impossible to read what people have written?
I would make some witty remark about your post, but as I tried to read it all I could see was a pop up window with a shower curtain or something. So I will tell, I hate mold.
And WordPress. So there.
Your stories remind me of David Sedaris and Augsten Burroughs. I really love your style and hope that this blog gets you where you’d like to go. Good luck on your comedian endeavors. I, too was a columnist for my college newspaper at the University of Arizona. Hooray for column writing! Keep updating your blog, I am highly amused by your childhood confessions!
Thank you!
Oh I love Fig Newtons! :p
Great post! it’s funny you talk about Rumble In the Bronx. I also believe that to be a terrible movie. Jackie Chan is a great actor and all, but that was probably one of his worse films.
On to Fig Newtons, I used to love them as a child as well. My mom stopped buying them, I complained for a while, but then forgot about them. Recently, I found them in a store,I’m 24 now, and I bought a small box of them. EW, they are definitely not that good anymore. I even tried an actual Fig once, those are pretty nasty too.
Your blog is really funny
Espcially the fig newturds- I really laughed out loud. Good thing I never enjoyed them that much anyways! Keep up the funny!
I always check the shower before I go in any house but my own. And I haven’t even been scared by anyone. Better safe than sorry.
I always hated Fig Newtons as a child. Something about the consistency of the crap (as your mom so eloquently and accurately put it) inside of it freaked me out. I never trusted Fig Newtons. Then again, I didn’t like ice cream till I was eight, so maybe there was just something wrong with me.
You’ve just ruined fig newtons for me. I hope this pleases you.
Great blog, you’ve got a great writing style. The funny doesn’t hurt either!
Dude, when I was like 5 my dad would hide behind open doors only to scare me as I walked into the room. I am now 27 and I still peek through door hinges to make sure no one is waiting for me.
just for the record, it was ally and i and we said “poop” not “shit”; but you fell for it
That is a really bad way to die, unless the reason for dying by wood chipper/Rumble in the Bronx watching is because you are being tortured by Chris Tucker’s incredibly high pitch voice. Then…might not be so bad.