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Hey Baby

September 27, 2010

Anytime a baby starts staring at me in a restaurant or any other public place, I feel obligated to entertain it.  If that baby wants a show, I’ll give it a show.  This is certainly only the case with infants, as they are the only people allowed to stare at strangers without being asked to stop or getting “arrested.”  Some people panic when a baby shoots a glance their way.  What do you do? How do you proceed?

“Hey baby, smile because I’m smiling!”

A classic baby entertainment technique.  This method entails an individual smiling like an idiot, under the assumption that the baby will smile just because they’re smiling.  They’ll say things like “Hey baby, smile, smile, smile”, completely patronizing the infant and although sometimes resulting in laughter, it often causes confusion.  Frankly, this is a lazy maneuver.  Babies deserve a more committed entertainer and there’s nothing more humbling than a baby looking at you like you’re an idiot.

Peek-a-boo with random object

Since babies don’t have the intellectual capacity to understand that something still exists even when they can’t see it, seeing a person continually disappear then reappear simply blows their underdeveloped mind.  You can simply hide your face with a menu, or completely hide your body behind something.   Either way, you’re going to look like a complete asshole to your non-infantile peers.

DO NOT TICKLE

Tickling is the rape of comedy.  Although this may work on infants you’re familiar with, you can’t panic and start tickling rando-babies.  I’ve seen this happen twice, and just because you’re 90, doesn’t mean you can start digging your fingers into other people’s children, trying to squeeze out some giggles for your own entertainment.  Weirdo.

Inflict Pain on Yourself or Someone Near You

There’s something about others being in physical anguish that young children find hilarious, which is strange considering how poorly children deal with the pain they experience on a daily basis.  Small children are a sick-minded group, and you might have to sink to their level to keep them entertained.  Don’t draw blood though; then it gets weird.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 28, 2010 1:37 am

    “Tickling is the rape of comedy”

    I literally laughed out loud. Hilarious.

  2. September 28, 2010 1:48 am

    I make a grimacing “I’m about to poop in my pants” face. I feel like infants are fans of crude, fart, poop type jokes. It’s on their level, you know?

    BTW, “tickling is the rape of comedy” is a magnificent line. Utter brilliance.

  3. September 28, 2010 4:10 am

    hahaha I usually say “hiiiii!” with a big ol goofy smile on my face and my fingers waggling in an annoyingly cheerful fashion. usually gets a giggle and smile. cuz if i just stare back or ignore the baby i feel like a grinch! or scrooge! or some other christmas villain.

    hey are you following me yet?! : )

  4. November 3, 2010 2:21 pm

    Ha ha ha another great post so funny because its sooo true :)

    -x-x-

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