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Jesus More!

December 9, 2010

With Christmas coming up, I’ve been thinking a lot about Jesus.

Well, more about my Xbox 360.

It’s Jesus’ birthday, right? That’s why we do the damn thing!

My favorite thing to do on Christmas is to find people whose birthday is on Christmas.  When everyone starts to sing happy birthday to you, I chime in and say “Oh, is Jesus here?”  Good times, but if you want to give it a go, make sure it isn’t actually Jesus.  Because if it is, you better have two separate gifts and they better be good.  If I learned anything from the Bible, it’s that no one double gifts Jesus without having their soul ravished by the Dark Lord.

I’d like to meet Jesus someday, and not in a “hey what’s up? Enjoy your eternity in Hell” sort of way.  He seems like a cool guy and he definitely has some good ideas.  If I do meet him, I’ve definitely got some questions.

For how conservative everyone says Jesus is, you’d think he’d go with a more clean-cut look than a beard, long hair and sandals.  Ever heard of a barber and closed toed shoes ya’ hippie?  He looks like some guy who would try to sell you nitrous at Bonnaroo and then attempt to lick your face.

If Jesus had a Facebook, would he get embarrassed if God added him?

Jesus-“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, stop commenting on my status, and stop putting David after Dentist on my wall.  That came out like forever ago, seriously.”

GOD-“Oh what? I can’t have a Facebook? I’M GOD.”

I’m curious what he thinks about Christian “metal.”  I never thought Jesus to be much of a metal head, definitely more of a bob your head kind of guy…maybe some Jack Johnson or some Bob Marley.  Metal and Jesus don’t mix to me, regardless of how much you spent on your Jesus’ sleeve.  If you’ve ever seen a Christian metal band, they always dedicate their songs to Jesus.  A little presumptuous if you ask me.

“Alright everybody, thanks for coming out! I want to dedicate this one to our Lord and Savior, Jesus…it’s all for you.  Ok, this next song is called FUCK YOU IN YOUR EYE AND CUM ON YOUR BRAIN.”

Happy Birthday dOOd!


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